Van Helsing the severe problems version
by etherealfire
Summary: Van Helsing and Carl are sent to the Far East to deal with a megalomaniac, Count Vladislaus Dracula, who is attempting to bring to life all the dreadful fanfiction writers of the past…and who is just a tad obsessed with the color pink...
1. The Pink Bowtie

_I know that Van Helsing is portrayed as stupid in most of these humor fics, and this one will be no different…lol_

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Dr. Frankenstein stared in horror at the crowd below him. _Oh no,_ he thought. _They are here to take my monster, my creation, my son, away!_ Of course, the audience had already realized this, but Victor, aside from being a mad scientist, was really quite slow. After all, he still hadn't figured out that Dracula was evil. 

Speaking of Dracula…Victor turned around and found himself face to face with the man/monster/whatever. Victor shrieked. Dracula shrieked as well.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Dracula demanded, pulling out a hand mirror. "Is it on my face?" He gasped. "Is it a…a mole?"

Victor shook his head. "No, you just startled me, Count."

"Oh, good." Dracula put away the mirror and straightened his ridiculous pink bow tie, which he wrongly believed struck terror into the hearts of his enemies. Dracula wrongly believed a lot of things.

Victor cleared his throat. "Um, Count?"

"Yes?" Dracula smiled, showing that he had no idea what Victor was about to say.

"Those villagers are here to take away my monster."

"And?"

"I must escape this place!" He dramatically brushed his hair out of his eyes and sprinted to the table a mere 5 feet away where the Frankenstein monster lay strapped to a table so he wouldn't hurt himself more than was necessary for purposes of comic relief. The Writer realized that this was a very long sentence and congratulated herself for having pulled it off without confusing the audience _too_ much.

"Where will you go, Victor?" In the background, there was a conveniently timed bolt of lightning. Unfortunately, the tech guy set off the thunder BEFORE the lightning. Dracula shot a scathing glance beyond the camera.

"I don't know. Far away. I will take him with me!" Victor strongly suspected that he was messing up his lines, but he didn't care.

"But he is mine now." Another bolt of lightning. The tech electrocuted himself, screeching, in the background.

"But…"

"Why do you think I brought you here?"

"You said you believed in my work!"

Dracula smiled. The female half of the audience immediately thought about how their names would sound with his last name tacked on (he was incredibly hott even though he was wearing a pink bowtie).

There was a convenient transition to the angry—no, rabid—villagers outside that had absolutely no point except to "disguise" what Dracula's plan for the monster was.

"My God," exclaimed Victor, greatly overacting, with a level of emotion plastered on his overenthusiastic features that is usually only achieved in really, REALLY bad soap operas.

"Yes, he is the key. The key to my…children." Dracula laughed maniacally. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…hack…cough…choke…" He turned away for a moment and Victor picked up a conveniently located sword. "Stay away! Igor!"

Igor came out from where he had been eavesdropping and immediately was struck by lightning, since he was an annoying little man and didn't need to be in the story anyway.

Dracula shrieked again and jumped backward onto the sword.

Victor shrieked at the sight.

Dracula shrieked at Victor's shrieking.

Victor ran shrieking into the wall and killed himself.

The monster, who had more sense than any of them, tossed the remaining source of noise into the fire and ran, carrying his "father" in his arms.

Dracula, of course, survived the raging inferno that was completely unnecessary to have in a laboratory anyway, and changed into his hellbeast form.

When Dracula and his brides landed, the monster was gone along with half the village, which was good riddance since Dracula had never liked them anyway; they had never shown him the proper fear and respect that the pink bowtie deserved. His head was starting to pound with Aleera's wailing as well.

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Please review! (and tell me if I should continue) :D Thanks!

Okay...update...1 reviewer really liked it, one said it was okay, and one said "weird but interesting" so I'll probably put up at least 1 more chapter...k g2g review please!


	2. Is this your, um, what's the line again?

K...yeah I know this is a completely random segueway, but I just felt like writings this scene. Eventually I will put these in order, but for now I'm posting them as they come to me. Hope you like it:D

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"You don't remember, do you, Gabriel?"

Gabriel was still trying to get the Silly Putty off his shirt. "What?"

"I said—oh, darn it, you messed up my line!" Dracula strode over to him. "Let me see that!"

Gabriel looked up in alarm as the vampire yanked the gummy stuff off his shirt. "Hey! I bought this in Paris!"

"That piece of junk?" Dracula sniffed. "As I was saying…"

Silence. He cleared his throat. "Line…what's the line?" he hissed past the camera.

He frowned at the odd gestures the director was giving him. "Famous saying? Sounds like?"

Van Helsing shoved him aside and flashed a million-dollar grin at the camera. "Now, _Dracula_, what is it that I'm supposed to be remembering?" He frowned, looked down, counted on his fingers… "Yes, that was right," he muttered. Dracula looked like he was trying not to snort, a very bad idea since he was chewing gum at the time.

"You are the great Van Helsing! Trained by…oh crap, I don't remember the line. Hey! What is it again?" He ignored the director's gesture to keep going. There was a small tussle with the cameraman, who wisely decided to retire then and there and avoided irate pink-bedecked vampires for the rest of his life.

The scene continued. Van Helsing stepped backward to avoid the already-angry vampire and earned a laugh from the latter. "We have such…history…you and I, Gabriel," Dracula said in an overly dramatic voice. Several fanfiction authors retired in disgust that he actually had blue eyes, not dark ones. The others chose to ignore this once-in-the-movie occurrence.

Dracula frowned at the author, who gave him a quick smile of apology and turned the focus back to him.

At this moment, Van Helsing used Dracula's confusion to unfairly hold up a hand mirror that was shaped like a cross in order to give the movie more effect. The audience, aside from gasping in shock that this was really a mirror, wondered how in the world Van Helsing managed to move, let alone run, with all that metal concealed inside his duster.

Dracula looked in the mirror/cross and shrieked, realizing that he had forgotten to brush his hair. He grabbed the mirror and tried to look closer, but Van Helsing, who was equally vain, held on tightly until it exploded (also highly improbable. The digital artists responsible were fired immediately).

Once the evil thing was destroyed, Dracula straightened his bowtie and smiled. "Perhaps that is a conversation for another time."

A loud wailing was heard in the background. Dracula whirled, a stricken look on his face. "Gabriel! You must save me from them!" He turned back to Van Helsing, who was already gone. "Gabriel!"

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haha I'm so mean to them! (evil grin) Please review! 

etherealfire


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